The Stone Bunny Gazetter
Scandals, lies and dirt on the Richmond Hash House Harriers
Trail: 693
Location: Azalea Mall parking Lot (37° 36.01'N, 77°27.39'W)
Hares: Dung King and Gammy McProlapse
Weather: Chilly and Rainy
Shiggy Factor: 7 (train tracks)
Trail Length: ~5 miles
Beverage Stops: 2 (I'll address this later)
Wankers: ~45
Virgins: 0
On After: Complimentary pizza in the parking lot
Invading Hashes: Erm... 5... 6... a bunch
Friends Dung King No Longer Has: 45
Usually I try to name everyone that was at trail. There were just way to many wankers present. Even if I counted on all of my fingers and toes…along with Hokie's fingers and toes I couldn't get enough fingers and toes. There is a real finger and toe shortage around here. Anyway, I hear she has nasty fingers and toes so I whipped out my abacus and to my surprise found out I don't know how to use it.
There is something majestic about parking lots near abandoned malls. By majestic I meantrashy, shady, and generally creepy. As the hares arrived 20 minutes early we saw that some of the out of towners had already showed up. There was this guy and then this other guy and then a MormonAssault Vehicle full of Tidewaterers… that was cool. Cars just started rolling in, there was B.A.S.H., Ripped VanTinkle, and a host of others we see every so often.
Some things this trail was not:
1. Dog friendly – B.A.S.H. and Hoot Are You? Dung King offers his sincere apologies
2. Dry
3. Preset
4. Needing red string
5. A to B
That's right, we totally laid that trail live and if anyone has a problem with that you can talk to my abacus. Mostly because I don't know how to use it so it now has "blunt object" status. Oh what a trail it was.
Dung and I ran and people followed. We went to a beer check. Apparently the home of the check owner belonged to a very nice young lady I went to college with. She was cool even though she remembered me and I didn't remember her. Meh, I don't remember me from college. Anyway, I'd do her. The topless men rolled in first and I snarfed my beer. Actually it was milk+ beer. I call it the Hopdolactomalt and it is a favorite drink among the bush otters of Malawi . So a toast to the bush otters and the bravemen who are not afraid to show off things like triple nipples and inverted belly buttons…you know who you are.
The first beer stop also featured the largest BN to date with an overall height of 22.6 feet. Ladies, it is all about the length not the girth…unless you have girth and not length, then it's all about the girth. We're talking about trail signs anyway so don't flip your bitch switch.
Dung and I take off again. We split up and he lays the shiggy in Bryant Park while I lay the chicken trail. All I can say is the whole trail was a wonderful mindfuck on our part. In fact, much more than you know. We hypnotized the entire pack and gave you subliminal suggestions. The truth is you never left the parking lot. I knew I had this pocket watch for a reason.
Trail continued and we made our way to the second beer stop…that part was a bitch and I am surprised that anyone made it at all. Dung and I had a beer and chatted with the lovely and talented Lovin' Spoonfull and Spankin' on the Centerfold. Both of whom were sitting in the car eating The Crab Chip. If you aren't familiar with The Crap Chip then you have not lived. It is produced from the skin of tiny elves living far below the center of the earth and is composed of crabs, chips, and elf skin. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Utz.
And then the horns sounded. Dude we freaked and bolted. We stealthily made our way past the front-runners down a stream bed. You hypno freaks were about 50 furlongs (or whatever) away with your zombiesque demeanor. Ok let me backtrack a little bit. Lovin' had the beer in her car. A few wankers made it and enjoyed anice warm High Life. GOOD FOR YOU!! Some wankers got there and apparently Lovin' and Spankin' had eloped so they could realize the love between a woman and a woman (maybe I shouldn't think about that one too much at work with thin wool pants on). Lovin' and Spankin'...isn' t that really the same thing?
I'd like to point out that not only do we have the biggest BN to date we also have the smallest. Dung's is the smallest. Apparently, and I do not have first hand knowledge of this, after Spankin' and Lovin' got off they cleaned their toys and returned to the beer stop where some irate hashers got a taste of warm beer.
To the irate: Yes, it is not cool to steal the beer and the oversight will not go unpunished. Dung has assured me that he will not be giving Lovin' any sex for a week. On the other hand, we hash for fun and tempers aren't fun…so put a lid on it, enjoythe fact that you accomplished something on a difficult and rainy trail, and quit your whining. I expect those of you who were confrontational to make amends through Frenching and also tape it.
After deftly avoiding the pack Dung and I find ourselves smack in the middle of a swamp. And, drum roll please, we get snared by short cutters. Cheaters. I applaud you. Thanks to those that guided the lost soul sin.
Closing circle was cold. There were a bunch of Sallies hiding under a tailgate. I mock them and their dryness. It seems that in DC people hash with umbrellas. It was like the Thomas Crown Affair except Rene Russo didn't get naked. Dude that was such good material when I was15, 19, and 30. Ass Spelunker got some of his crap back and eventually he will get his mug provided he does not try to man handle me anymore.
All in all I have to say that was the best trail ever. Though it still pales in comparison the Jonestown trail. I am truly excited that we got to put our visitors through the wringer. IN YOUR FACE INVADERS!!! Richmond definitely came out on top of that one.
WELCOME TO RICHMOND BITCHES!!!
Gammy Mc Prolapse - Unapologetic Bastard